Wendy Doves Blog

Well being for the body, mind and spirit.

Taking Off the Rose Coloured Glasses

Taking Off the Rose Coloured Glasses
So you fell in love, it was all so perfect, but what happened? What went wrong? What is getting in the way of this working? After the state of ‘falling in love’, lovers are in danger of breaking up without ever truly meeting the person they've been living with. Don’t worry relationships have the potential to give us our most important revelations about ourselves and others and to share great joy... but they usually need work! 
 
 
Often we bring ideas and expectations of what a relationship should be into or relationship. Unfortunately in an a world that seems to focus around selling us things, we are bombarded with media telling us how we should be and what we should look like, which often leaves us believing that we are not enough and making us feel insecure...unreasonably we expect our partners to remove this insecurity. However not only is our inadequacy an illusion that we ourselves create but it is one that only we ourselves can disperse.
 
Insecurity results from a fear of not being enough and fear is at the core of most of the biggest destroyers of a good working relationship and it manifests in different ways.
 
There is nothing to fear, but fear itself
A common expression of fear is ‘Control’. Control ‘freakishness’ happens in varying degrees and unfortunately often slips into many relationships. The harsh truth is that when someone is controlling, even if it is with the best of intentions, the person they are trying to control is down pressed and begins to question their self worth.
 
 
It’s O.K to be, know and try for what you want if you realise that what you both want has nothing to do with your love for each other and shouldn’t require the other to sacrifice what they want. Without self centred motives the  decisions and choices made will just help you know each other better & nobody’s perfect right?
 
 
Another common power play between couples, also based on fear, is when partners try to be better than the other. Constantly competing with one another, they shift from winner to loser, but actually all this does is also reinforce a fear that they are not enough. Stuck in these roles of fear, neither person is feeling the love and compassion needed to unite them,  because when we are in a state of fear we are focused on defence and self preservation. This is a very stressful state on all levels visible and invisible - stressful thoughts separate us from each other and when this happens there is no communication which only worsens the relationship, because another big destroyer of relationships is lack of communication.
Feel your way
The core of communication is noticing another’s emotions, but to do this we need to recognise the fearful power play and see beyond to what lies beneath. 
 
Our emotions connect us to the soul of others. We humans share a common set of emotions & because of this we can recognise them in ourselves and others. Even so, most people shy away from their emotions, because there is a certain amount of vulnerability that goes with ‘baring the soul’, fear steps in and the power plays begin.
 
In fact, we inherit how we express our emotions from our parents. What was acceptable to them, in turn becomes our limits. But this doesn't mean we can’t change those limits, because really we don’t need to be afraid of our emotions, by paying attention to them, we can see how they pass through us, rebalancing our psyche & state of being to leave us peaceful. Watching the fleeting emotions of a child is a great example of this. 
 
By opening up to love, compassion & understanding, we create a new, bigger space between & around us, in which to to explore, express & share each others emotions. 
 
Have a look at your relationship are you a control freak? Are you manipulated by the need for approval? Do you feel the need to be better than your partner? Do appreciate your partner and the opportunity of your relationship? Perhaps you need to turn this around and consider kinder ways of being with each other to encourage mutual growth. 
 
It can be difficult to see who is manipulating who, but a simple hug can dissolve the tension and help create such a space from all those unnecessary fearful thoughts and allow room for something new to enter. If a physical hug is inappropriate, try a mental one. 
 
It may take some work, so what’s in it for you both? Deepak Chopra tells us that:
 
‘... both partners grow spiritually, increasing in love, personal evolution and shared experience of the soul.’
 
Which sounds pretty worth don’t you think? 
 
I really can't recommend hanging on in there until you really get to know one another and grow together with experience enough. Every relationship is unique, so if you would like to gain clearer insight into the dynamics between you and your partner, I would be happy to talk to you, you can schedule a phone reading here.
 
Relationships, the Surprising Secrets of Attractio...
People are always asking me this question, so here...

Related Posts